Couldn't format this... Sorry

I remember during the 1st or 2nd day of us talking, you sent me a message saying something like “So what’s the catch then?” And in that very moment, I had felt like I should just tell u what was on my mind but… I hope you’ll understand why I didn’t say anything before. Having said that, I also realise that writing this letter to you with any false hopes for something would just taint it in a way that might compel me to withhold stuff and I don’t wanna do that. I wanna write it and tell u how it is for my own peace of mind and ‘doing the right thing’ and not because it has any motives behind it…Anyway… just a headsup, this thing is likely to be rife with spelling/grammar typos etc… because I didn’t wanna read it once I finished writing it. There’s no point over elaborating this so I’ll cut right to the chase. Basically, I’ve lived and continue to live a VERY unusual life, woman. And with unusual I mean WTF unusual. Nobody else knows about it and I’ve never really spoken about this to anyone either. And this life I’m talking about has essentially resigned me wayyyyy down on an scale of eligibility loll Eligibility to find a life partner or get married or settle down etc.. Yesterday when you brought up the idea of exclusivity, is when I thought to myself that this is going too far and I can’t in my right mind and on purpose drag u into something serious like that and deny you the possibility of finding someone who, is a lot more deserving of u… This isn’t me being the ‘big guy’ or any other BS. I am just telling u objectively for reasons I’m about to tell u. This is such a longgggg story and I don’t wanna bore u with details. The short of it is simple. A few months ago, I was in a detention centre (quite an experience tbh) amongst 100s of Albanian Gang members and Afghan refugees etc because I’ve overstayed in UK. Like wayyyyy wayyyy overstayed. I was there for a few days and was then put in front of the judge and a bunch of other people. I explained why I decided to overstay. They seemed to agree and let me go. Granted my work and things I’ve been doing for the past few years helped me ofcourse. Funnily enough, this had already happened once before so they knew the whole deal and was partly the reason why I was afforded the audience in front of the judge relatively quickly anyway. And obviously they’ve always advised me to seek legal counsel and get my status fixed. I have since followed through with it, sought the legal advice and am already working on getting it resolved and by all accounts should technically be able to start living a normal life within the next 8-10 months. And therein lies the bigger problem — The normal life bit. When u live the way I’ve lived and continue to live, it is the farthest thing from normal. I can’t drive, own a house, or even go to the GP loll Forget owning a house, I don’t even own a bank account. Coincidentally, it was the bank account bs that got me sent to the detention centre twice in the first place lolll People I thought I could trust, who offered to help… would end up contacting the home office every time they got a bit greedy. I’d have no choice but to use their bank account and as soon as a large payment would come through, they literally turn into the most unrecognisable beasts lolll And by orchestrating to have me sent away to the detention centres — well its easy money for them. Ngl I did enjoy seeing the look on their faces when they saw me back and about. I don’t make a fuss about it though, and just stop speaking to them. You’d think I’m exaggerating but I must have lost upwards of 100K like this. Ppl who transform overnight loll Its just an absolute nightmare having to deal with all these logistics without the proper structure around me. I run a relatively large organisation but most of my time is actually spent on managing the logistics around it. The orgs public network is spread across 16 countries and there are a dozen people that work for me. Including people in politics like Local Councilmen and Lawyers and consultants from reputable institutions etc. Last year I had to ask Hina to come down from America so I could officially appoint her for the organisation. Again, it’ll take me hours and hours to even begin to explain how I keep it all afloat. By now if you’re still wondering… how the hell did it get to this point than I wish I had an easy answer for u. I really don’t. You already know that I was born in Dubai along with my 3 sisters. My father passed away when I was 8 or 9. I was pretty close to my mother as a result. One day, just out of the blue she sat me down and told me that I’d be leaving for Pakistan to go to a boarding school, a Cadet College named Petaro. Much of it is a blur but I was shipped off to Pakistan to live by myself among people I didn’t know. It was a family friends recommendation and made sense too as the mililtary routine and the cadet college environment was the best available option for me as a place where I’d be taken care of and hopefully learn all the life skills one needs to do whatever I wanna do later in my life. Well to tell u the truth, I don’t think I learnt any of that from it loll but sure why not.. I don’t wanna bore u with unnecessary details but I’m sure u can gather that there are threads running through all that I am trying to write in whichever fragmented way that I best can. And I think I already told u what happened afterwards and let’s just say I didn’t know how to process any of what was going on and it was just a lot to deal with.My parents left me and my sisters enough to live off comfortably. Suffice to say nobody needed to rely on anyone and I didn’t want to hang around or be a part of anything else anymore.. I just wanted to get out of those surroundings and I just wanted to get away, and dissipate, disappear, dissolve … so I did just that. I packed my bags and came to UK and finished my studies. Never bothered with renewing my passport or following the conventional ‘blueprint’ for a normal life. I've been approached a few times, ways or propositions if u will, to be able to do that - recently more than before which is weird but not surprising... either way irrelevant as that would've been an even worse kind of self-affliction lol ... Anyway, I just tried to keep to myself and I think in my own way, I was just trying to become invisible. It took some time for me to get back in touch with my sisters again and then they started visiting me as often as they could…. And continue to do so no matter how much I try and tell them otherwise. I do miss my nieces and the nephew. And I do regret not being able to spend any time with family,,, in a family kinda way u know… like get togethers or birthdays or Eids or any other occasion for that matter. I guess that’s also contributed heavily to my social anxiety loll I have lived by myself most of my life. Literally since I was 12 years old. I did not lie to you about anything but these are all pretty significant details which I have never shared or told anyone so I didn’t disclose any of this sooner. Again, I’m not telling any of this to u with any motives. I am doing this more for my own peace of mind. This probably needs to abruptly end here cuz I can already see the walllll of text in my periphery. All I can say is that I’m sorry if you get the feeling that I may have wasted your time. That wasn’t my intention. I’d actually go as far as to call this one of the biggest reasons for why I never pursued anyone before. I was just always mindful that it wouldn’t be the fair thing to do to anyone. Let alone you, woman. Mostly cuz you… are the woman. And by woman I mean, the woman. Right, I’m starting to talk silly now so I’ll stop now.